Shame and Compulsiveness: The Effects of Silence Around Drug Conversations

What happens when you don’t talk to your kids about substances? 

 In my conversation with Dr. Julie Holland and Jeremy Wolff, parents to a 16-year-old and 20-year-old, they discussed the implications of silence around substance use. Jeremy described a “don’t ask, don’t tell” phase where neither parents nor children were speaking about cannabis. Their son was the one who encouraged the family to have more open conversations.

“For me it was about the hypocrisy of our hiding...that became silly and it was kind of this role reversal of the kids being less hypocritical than we were. It just felt like this is the time to all come out of the closet,” he said. 

Julie, whose latest book Good Chemistry explores the science of connection, described the effects of shame on drug use. “When its hidden and you have shame, there’s more adrenaline and more excitement around it; you end up being more compulsive about the way you use the drug.” Once those feelings of hypocrisy were alleviated, the family could show up with more authenticity and openness around the topic.

 Having open conversations did not mean no boundaries, though. Both parents described some firm guidelines that they set for their kids. Jeremy described their serious talks about drinking and driving, too often a cause of death for young people in their community. Julie said she “railed against” nicotine addiction, common in their children’s school. She also told her kids: “no white powders, you don’t know what’s in them.” Other substances like cannabis or psychedelic mushrooms in their natural form, she said, are far less likely to be adulterated. 

Click on the image above to hear more of our conversation with these insightful parents.